CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: An old affair has come back to haunt me
Q: A couple of decades ago, before I met my husband, I had a ten-year relationship during which I was briefly unfaithful with one of my boyfriend's friends.
It was towards the end of the relationship and I had been unhappy for a while because he was always out playing rugby or drinking with his mates.
My boyfriend never knew about the affair and we remained on good terms because we have several mutual friends and we sometimes see each other at social events.
However, recently, the man with whom I was unfaithful was on a boys' weekend with my ex and their mates.
My furious ex confronted me to ask how I could have betrayed him, saying that while until now he had remained really fond of me his whole opinion had changed (stock image)
While very drunk, he apparently let slip about our liaison and now it's opened a can of worms.
My furious ex confronted me to ask how I could have betrayed him, saying that while until now he had remained really fond of me his whole opinion had changed.
He said that I must be a horrible person and that the betrayal was particularly hurtful because it was with one of his friends.
He ended his onslaught by saying that he never wanted to see either me or his friend again. My husband (who gets on well with my ex) is being very supportive and thinks he is being over-the-top.
He has said he'll try to talk him round. This helps, but I'm still really upset.
A: The good part of this is that your relationship with your husband is clearly very strong.
It shows how much trust there is between you that you felt able to confide in him and that he has been so supportive.
To want to help you fix your friendship with a man you loved before him shows a generous nature. But I am sorry that your ex is upset.
While his reaction might seem excessive to you because it all happened so long ago, your ex has only just discovered the truth and to him it feels like yesterday.
That you have remained friends all these years is a credit to you both and it would be a pity if this changed.
At the moment he feels that his memories of your time together have been ruined and the betrayal is worse because the other man was a friend. Affairs are not simple things.
They cause so much pain and usually there are better ways of dealing with relationship problems. However, affairs don't happen in a vacuum – often people fall into them because they are unhappy. You were feeling neglected and in need of affection and validation.
Your ex does need to take some responsibility for not treating you well. Hopefully, he will see this in time and your friendship will be restored.
From your longer letter, you say that he is happily married too, so clearly you have both moved on. I expect that his friendship with the 'other man' may not survive.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY ELDERLY FATHER'S SPENDING
Q: My father, a widower of 79, has always been generous and likes to help others. This is a lovely part of who he is but I'm starting to worry about him.
He's always been independent and lives on his own, but he doesn't have a big pension and I think he's giving quite a lot of it away – while doing without himself.
He is particularly drawn to the animal charities that advertise on the television. I've tried talking to him but he just says there's plenty to go round. The trouble is there isn't.
A: Your father does sound lovely, but sadly when people are elderly their anxiety levels can increase and it may be that he has started to worry more about all the world's problems that he can't fix.
My father, a widower of 79, has always been generous and likes to help others. This is a lovely part of who he is but I'm starting to worry about him (stock image)
Unfortunately, an inability to manage money properly can also be an early sign of dementia. Try to talk to your father again (perhaps another family member can help) and ask him to go through his expenses with you – especially food and heating – to see how much he really needs a month compared with his pension income.
Explain that you love his generosity but that he needs enough to live on.
Perhaps he would be prepared to transfer a fixed sum to you each month so that you can pay his bills and do his food shopping online, and he can spend the rest as he likes.
Maybe he could pick five favourite charities and agree to give just those a small monthly payment.
It is never easy to have such conversations, but talk to him about a power of attorney.
He needs to think about what will happen if he becomes too old or ill to cope. For further help, call Age UK's advice line on 0800 055 6112.
- If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
